Sometimes we feel that we are going crazy. Everything that can go wrong is going wrong around us. The car breaks down just at that moment when you really need to be somewhere, the washing machine stops mid cycle while full of water that won’t spin out, you are at the check out with a trolley full of groceries and your card gets declined, even though you were sure you had enough funds.
Maybe this is the point when you wish you were 2 years old and could just lay on the floor and scream and kick your legs in the air until someone picks you up and reassures you that it’s all going to be ok...If only.
Unfortunately things do go wrong and some people will deal with these mishaps and get on with their day, but not everyone. Some of us will internalise even the smallest of things that go wrong and even blame ourselves for things that really are not our fault.
There was a time that my self esteem was so low that I thought even my birthdate was unlucky. Honestly. I would never use my birthdate for numbers on even a lottery ticket for instance,
because I thought It would never win.
I was on holiday in Jamaica in 1988 when we experienced a terrible hurricane called Gilbert and I kid you not, I secretly blamed myself! Of course logically I could not have caused a devastating hurricane but when your mind is so full of negative thoughts about yourself your train of thoughts are not logical. You think everything is your fault and that includes the things that happened to you as a child. You convince yourself that somehow you are to blame.
It isn’t easy to rid your mind of the chaos caused by low self esteem as you don’t suddenly wake up feeling that everything is ok. It’s a process which can sometimes be, in fact is always painful, because you have to look honestly at yourself and let’s face it if you already dislike yourself and blame yourself, your looks, your body or whatever it is about you that you dislike then looking into yourself is going to be hard to do but is so necessary to be able to find the real you. Not the you that you believed you were, not the you that your abusers told you that you were but the real beautiful, loving and loveable you. You see if you believe that you are unloveable then you will build relationships which reflect that, If you believe you are not important then this will be reflected by the people and the life that surrounds you.
My journey to learning to love myself has not been easy and at times it felt too hard to be honest. Why bother? Who will notice? Who will care? I cared and I noticed. There had to be something more to my life than feeling bad and powerless and just going through life allowing other people to determine my potential and where my life was heading.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a good enough life. I am educated, had a very good job, owned my own home, raised my children. On the outside it seemed that I was doing ok I guess but it’s not the outside that counts. It’s what was happening inside that was impacting on my lack of self worth, my people pleasing, my acceptance of other people’s standards and opinions even though I had my own standards but was too scared to display them in case I wouldn’t be liked or wouldn’t fit in.
There came a point in my life when it felt like I had to sink or swim. Literally!
I was coming out of the most abusive relationship of my adult life and I had to fight for my sanity. I had to reach deep deep inside myself and drag out any part of me that resembled respect and self love which I knew was there but was just hidden by one crappy relationship after another. I had to call on the Almighty and beg Him to save my mind because I had three children who needed me and I would not able to take care of them if I lost my mind. God came through. He heard me.
I began to work on my self worth. One day at a time, one step at a time I began to put myself first and shake off those negative and self limiting mindsets which were holding me captive and stopping me from finding true happiness which starts with first being happy with myself and the desire to create a life for myself where I no longer judge myself by other people’s standards or opinions of me.
If my story is making you want to learn how to love yourself and find the beauty inside you so that you can be free from whatever thoughts are holding you back from living life on your terms, let’s talk.
“To become a butterfly 🦋 you must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar “ - Winnie The Pooh.
Comentarios